The Lady Who Honks: A Neo-Noir Tale (Chapter I)

Honkler closed the Venetian blinds to his office. A private eye gone awry in this decaying city of horrors. You wouldn't want to know the things he's seen. The things he's seen would cripple any man to their very core, shocking and scarring their being for the rest of their existence.

There was a dame. Not just any old dame. One with a ruby red nose and soft feather green skin that'd make any fella weak at the knees. She came bearing a letter of concern. Her husband was kidnapped during a visit to Cuckistan, a very hostile environment where even smiling at a man the wrong way can lead to your face plastered on every screen in the country.

"Oh, Honkler, Honkler," said the beautiful dame. "They took my husband. The cucks, they've kidnapped him and they want a ransom. If I don't give them the soy soon, they'll chemically-castrate him like they've been doing to 8-year-old children in America. Oh, Honkler, can you stop them?"

Honkler looked down at his desk, took one final drag of his cigarette before discarding it in the ash tray.

The dame continued. "My name is Helena Groyper. The cucks kidnapped my husband Peperton. We're both anthro-," said Ms. Groyper before being cut off by the detective.

"Soy, you say? I haven't seen soy since I was a youngster, since before the Kekistani Revolution and the Clown Wars which followed," said Honkler. "I didn't know soy still existed. Really, I haven't made much contact with the land beyond these walls in who knows how long. I barely even leave this office. Honk."

The lady trembled in the low light of the room. Her voice cracked while saying, "Can- can you help him, Honkler?"

"We're both anthropologists studying Cuck civilization. My husband, I don't know what's wrong with him. But he mentioned verifiable science, that to which we only speak in Kekistan behind the iron walls," said the dame with dampness in her eyes. "They took him. They took him, Honkler. I'll- I'll pay you. Can you please get him back to me?"

Honkler flipped a coin in the air while thinking, a habit he picked up after he solved his first case and at this point he was only being superstitious continuing it.

"Sure, lord knows I'm a sucker for pretty green frens who get themselves in trouble," said Honkler catching his coin. "Now, where in Cuckistan was your husband captured?"

"Berkeley," said the dame. "The University of California, Berkeley."

Honkler's mouth hung open.

"What's wrong?" asked the dame. "Was it something I said?"

"My God," said Honkler. "Well, it looks like I'm going right into the center of chaos. And I've never been so ready in all my life."

TO BE CONTINUED....