Apu's Gift

- Helper Apu is sitting with his pupper by a roaring fireplace. He is playing a yo-yo. Up and down it goes.

- His father, Pepe Pep (Pepe the Frog in a suit and tie) enters the room holding a train that's both green and gold.

- Apu's eyes widen. He says, "Upsies. Upsies, please," while reaching for the train with two outstretched arms.

- Pepe picks him up and hands him the train.

- Apu is smiling with bright eyes. He swings the train around in the air, saying "Cho cho, cho cho"

- Mommy Apu wearing an apron walks in with a platter of tendies.

- Little Apu eats all the tendies. He hugs Mummy.

- Apu takes his toy train and goes with pupper to a cozy couch cousin and they both fall asleep

- Teenage Groyper comes into the house, grabbing everything in sight with his foot, including Mummy and Pepe.

- "Groypers will be Groypers," says Mom Apu

- Groyper slowly peaks into the room at sleeping Apu and the toy train

- Groyper imagines himself trading the toy to a dealer in a back-alley for tendies.

- Groyper walks over and steals the train from sleeping Apu and runs off in a flash.

- Doggo wakes up and barks which wakes up Apu

- "Mummy! Mummy!" cries Apu

- Mom Apu steps in. Apu is crying. She gives the crying frog a hug.

- Fades to Black

- Helper is sitting at a window sill, looking out at the rain. He is crying, with a thought-bubble of his stolen toy train hanging over head.

- Pepe enters the room with a McDonald's Happy Meal in hand.

- Apu turns to his father and his tears disappear.

- "Upsies. Upsies," says Apu.

- Pepe picks up Apu and they hug.

Groyper Gassed My Family

Groyper gassed my family, I should have seen the act
When he came upon my porch, smiling, tendies in his sack
"A whole bag of tendies for you if you let me in"
"Come on in, good Groyper," I said. "How long has it been?"
The grinning toad stepped inside, fingers interlocked under chin
With fire in his coal black eyes, lips chapped in a permagrin

I should have seen the devious act right when he came
But he smiled at my wife and children all the same
They were happy to see the cheerful toad once again
Groyper volunteered to make a snack for us all
He approached the oven in the kitchen down the hall

Stepping outside for a minute for fresh air
I returned to the home with a frightful scare
Toxic gas permeated the house, smell so foul
There was Groyper in a gas mask hiding a scowl
A mother and her children now both deceased
By Groyper the Toad, the fascist priest

The Lady Who Honks: A Neo-Noir Tale (Chapter I)

Honkler closed the Venetian blinds to his office. A private eye gone awry in this decaying city of horrors. You wouldn't want to know the things he's seen. The things he's seen would cripple any man to their very core, shocking and scarring their being for the rest of their existence.

There was a dame. Not just any old dame. One with a ruby red nose and soft feather green skin that'd make any fella weak at the knees. She came bearing a letter of concern. Her husband was kidnapped during a visit to Cuckistan, a very hostile environment where even smiling at a man the wrong way can lead to your face plastered on every screen in the country.

"Oh, Honkler, Honkler," said the beautiful dame. "They took my husband. The cucks, they've kidnapped him and they want a ransom. If I don't give them the soy soon, they'll chemically-castrate him like they've been doing to 8-year-old children in America. Oh, Honkler, can you stop them?"

Honkler looked down at his desk, took one final drag of his cigarette before discarding it in the ash tray.

The dame continued. "My name is Helena Groyper. The cucks kidnapped my husband Peperton. We're both anthro-," said Ms. Groyper before being cut off by the detective.

"Soy, you say? I haven't seen soy since I was a youngster, since before the Kekistani Revolution and the Clown Wars which followed," said Honkler. "I didn't know soy still existed. Really, I haven't made much contact with the land beyond these walls in who knows how long. I barely even leave this office. Honk."

The lady trembled in the low light of the room. Her voice cracked while saying, "Can- can you help him, Honkler?"

"We're both anthropologists studying Cuck civilization. My husband, I don't know what's wrong with him. But he mentioned verifiable science, that to which we only speak in Kekistan behind the iron walls," said the dame with dampness in her eyes. "They took him. They took him, Honkler. I'll- I'll pay you. Can you please get him back to me?"

Honkler flipped a coin in the air while thinking, a habit he picked up after he solved his first case and at this point he was only being superstitious continuing it.

"Sure, lord knows I'm a sucker for pretty green frens who get themselves in trouble," said Honkler catching his coin. "Now, where in Cuckistan was your husband captured?"

"Berkeley," said the dame. "The University of California, Berkeley."

Honkler's mouth hung open.

"What's wrong?" asked the dame. "Was it something I said?"

"My God," said Honkler. "Well, it looks like I'm going right into the center of chaos. And I've never been so ready in all my life."

TO BE CONTINUED....